Thursday, June 6, 2019

Son of a Bitch Mitch

Today's letter goes to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, perhaps the most beloved politician in the country. This marks the conclusion to my Thursday Thrashing Letters which was started a little more than a year ago.

It was inspired by advertising's own Luke Sullivan, who said in a social media post that we must be willing to do more about the current fascist regime than complain and over-lubricate ourselves at dinner parties.

And so I set out on a mission, which, after 53+ letters, is almost complete.

I say almost because the task of compiling all the letters and self publishing a book is still in front of me. Until the book is ready, I leave you with one last volcano-hot rant.

WARNING: Because it will serve as the summary of the book, it's an exceedingly long letter.



Senator Mitch McConnell
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Mitch,

It's been a while since our last correspondence. Actually it's been more than a year. 

Unlike you, who have done nothing but obstruct House bills, defend our indefensible precedent (misspelling intentional for dramatic effect) and nominate halfwits to be federal judges (hello, Matthew Spencer Peterson), I have been quite busy.

As I mentioned in a previous missive, I made it my mission to write a letter to each of our esteemed (tongue practically bursting through cheek) GOP senators.  At the beginning of the endeavor there were 52 of you utter bawbags. 

But that number has changed. 

Some of your colleagues went down to defeat in Red Wave 2018 (pffft). 

Some new fresh faces have entered the fold, ready to take their place at the Mitch McConnell Trough of Eternal Corruption. 

And some, if I'm not mistaken, were arrested and hauled off for a jumpsuit fitting at a local correctional facility charged with pedophilia, sex trafficking and handing raw polling data over to Russian intelligence officers. Oh, I apologize, those weren't US Senators, they were members of the precedent's inner circle. 

Sometimes it's difficult to tell the duly elected slimebags from the ones who were appointed by our Commander in Cheif, again another intentional misspelling.

Truth be told --a phrase I'm not sure you're familiar with -- it's been quite an enlightening adventure. 

Prior to 2016, I considered myself politically engaged and informed. But in the process of researching you, and all of your criminal cohorts, I discovered I was sorely lacking in any understanding of civics as well as the role of the Upper Chamber, or what President James Buchanan, with tongue piercing his cheek, called, "the greatest deliberative body in the world."

The US Senate is more accurately where old white millionaires go to bone naive but ambitious Washington interns and slither around in loosely draped threadbare towels in the taxpayer funded schvitz room in the Capitol building basement. 

Both, by the way, scenes that require copious amounts of eyewash.

The first thing I learned, I should say "we learned" as in each of the letters has been dutifully published on my daily blog and enjoyed by 20,000 monthly readers, is that so many senators sport eponymous names.  

Senators Crapo, Boozman and Sasse (Sassehole), immediately come to mind. I know that's sophomoric, immature and crass, but judging from who you put in the White House, those are all winning attributes.

We've also learned that the Republican Party, which once planted and saluted the flag of Values, has cashed in that losing platform. It could be Captain Fuckknuckle is threatening you or paying you or possibly both, but there can be no doubt that the 115th Congress has a brand, new playbook. 

And it was published by the fine people at Trump University, who also brought us 101 Ways to Finance that Condo in Boca Raton and The Art of Dodging Contractors.

 While I haven't personally seen this new way forward from the GOP, I can safely surmise some of the groundbreaking new principles:

1. We are adamantly Pro Life-- Except if the people living those lives are from other countries and their skin is brown. Then we're all about extracting babies from their mothers, depositing them in hot, wire cages and losing all records that might possibly reunite them with their families. Just as Jesus commanded in Two Corinthians.

2. We are adamantly Pro Constitution-- Nothing is as important to the future of our republic as the adherence to the rule of law. And respect for those officials who are sworn to law enforcement. Except when they are investigating Russian interference in our election. Or when overzealous congressional bodies issue subpoenas and cavort with overreaching judges to question our divinely chosen, president.

3. We are adamantly Pro Military-- The country owes an incalculable debt to the brave women who serve in our armed services and are true heroes. Except those who are taken prisoner behind enemies lines. "We like heroes who don't get caught." And though we honor our warriors past, present and future, we have second thoughts about the 407,931 soldiers who died in World War II fighting Nazis and fascism, which in the cleansing light of history we now believe have been maligned. After all they were "very fine people."

From a more micro perspective and, thanks to my weekly research into each of you scoundrels, I learned of the many peccadilloes that make you Republicans tick. 

Like the honorable Senator David Perdue who shamelessly toiled as a corporate raider, fleeced companies, scurried off with the liquid assets and then unceremoniously stood by while thousands of his fellow Georgians lost their jobs.

Who can forget Senator Jim Inhofe, the Mensa of the Senate, who, eager to disprove the Chinese-fabricated hoax of global warming, brought a real live snowball into the Chamber? If ever there was definitive proof that 97% of the world's top scientists and climate experts were simply dead wrong with all their data and research and examples of reproducible scientific findings, it was this 84-year-old yahoo from Oklahoma holding a fistful of slush.

Finally, how can we ignore Aunt Pity Patty, Ms. Lindsey Graham? Who at one time called our Great Muckle Gype, "xenophobic", "a kook" and "unfit for office."He's gone from being a Never Trumper to an Always Trumper, seemingly taking up permanent residence in the president's KFC-encrusted alimentary canal.

And you Mitch have the honor of presiding over and "leading" these miscreant misfits. Whipping them into shape and insisting they enable and promote the most corrupt, ill informed, destructive, impulsive and foreign-manipulated presidency in the history of our nation. 

When future scholars look back on how this regime has damaged the republic, they will wear out the letters T-R-U-M-P on their keyboards. I suspect the letter M will go first because you, Mitch McConnell, were a willing and eager accomplice.

Let me leave you with one last thought. 

Mind you this is not something I would ever commit to print in the BT (Before Trump) era. But now that political discourse has sunk lower than the foundation of an unfinished Trump hotel in Uzbekistan, I have no qualms sinking to the depths you Republicans have been accustomed to.

When you no longer breath the oxygen that is better suited for human beings and pond slugs, I plan to make a pilgrimage to your home state. I will wait for a dark and rainy day, when visitors would prefer to stay inside. Then, I will visit you in your final resting place. I will leave a signed copy of this book (a compilation of all my letters) beside your tombstone.

And in act of civil disobedience as well as an homage to my hero Gerard Finneran, I will also take the time to "fertilize" the rich Kentucky bluegrass that forever blankets your memory.

You're welcome.

Rich Siegel
Culver City, CA 90232

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