Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Most. Disgusting. Post. Ever.

As some of you may know, we recently rescued a dog from the local Adopt & Shop. When I use the word rescue, I'm giving myself far too much credit.

Lucy is a beautiful, Golden Retriever/German Shepherd mix. She's mild mannered, sweet and a joy to be around. In other words, we didn't really "rescue" her as much as we snapped her up before anyone else could.

She's nearly perfect.

You see Lucy has coprophagia. I'll spare you a trip to online dictionary and tell you quite bluntly it means after she does her business...she eats her business.


That was my reaction too. And I learned coprophagia is not all that uncommon in dogs. Particularly females. Particularly rescue dogs.

Naturally, I sprung into action and researched every coprophagia remedy. I also made it a point to bag her business before she could snag her business.

Several online veterinarians suggested a unique way to break the nasty habit. To make the proposition unbearably unappetizing, they recommend pouring habanero hot sauce and lemon juice all over the yard snack. I have two fruit bearing lemon trees and an entire refrigerator shelf devoted to habanero hot sauce, so that was not going to be a problem.

The wisdom of the crowd seemed be working. For hours Lucy made a point of ignoring her unearned treat and I went about the business of writing, lifting weights and running errands. Later in the afternoon I thought I'd take Lucy to the local dog park. And moments before getting in the car I noticed the spicy, citrusy poop burrito was gone.


Believe it or not, this is when the story gets disgusting.

You see, as I pulled my wife's Acura MDX into the parking lot at the Boneyard, I heard a whimper. I opened the back door to find Lucy tucked in the corner, carefully avoiding the mess she had hurled all over the back seat.

Let's do the math on this.

The dinner I had given her yesterday had made its way through Lucy's alimentary canal. And just as nature had intended it, made its way out the other end.

Then, because I listened to DogLover38, that now-digested dinner was topped with Chulala and fresh squeezed lemon juice. Whereupon last night's dinner became this afternoon's appetizer, entering Lucy for a second time in less than 24 hours.

And then, if your stomach hasn't turned enough, it made a repeat exit performance, only this time departing, unnaturally from whence it came.

If you can conjure up a worse smell you have a vivid imagination. And probably should be an artist. Or a holding company accountant.

I should mention that all this occurred during ManCation 2018, while my wife was out of town visiting my daughter in Europe. That gave me a full week to clean and fumigate the vehicle. I needed every minute of it. You see not only did Lucy decide to recondition the leather seats with her unique gastro-intestinal soup, she had the good aim to fill the deep wells that house the seat belt apparatus.


I have pictures.
But come on, I also have some discretion and don't want to gross you out.

My friend Jean says I often talk about life like I have a dark cloud hanging over me.


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