Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Say Hello to Krampus

Last week I introduced the Caganer (literally The Shitter) to an adoring public.

Sadly, many people were not aware of this 500 year old Christmas tradition.

They had heard, via Fox News and Precedent Shitgibbon, of the relentless War on Christmas. That's right, a War on Christmas. Despite Christmas being everywhere. From the festooned lights on the Power Tool section at the local Home Depot to the Merry Christmas toilet paper at my local Union 76 station, which I discovered at the very last minute while on my hike to the Baldwin Hills Overlook. But many remain clueless about some of the minor yuletide festivities that make this holiday so special.

And as I've made it my duty to tell the complete Christmas story, let me introduce you to Krampus.

I might have written about Krampus before, but at the risk of repeating myself, I'm going to venture here again. Perhaps because I'm so fascinated by this thinly-veiled antisemitic creature -- note the horns, the large nose and the predilection for preying on nice goyish children.

Krampus was born in Eastern Europe/Southwest Russia, a stretch of land that has always been so welcoming to my people. You can think of Krampus as the 180 degree opposite of St. Nick.

You see, while Santa Claus rewarded small children for obedience and godliness and general good behavior, Krampus came to scare the living bejeezus out of kids who were naughty. Kids who didn't put the cap back on the toothpaste. Or kids who were just butt ugly.

Contrary to the illustration above, Krampus doesn't abduct or eat small children. Or even drain their blood for the making of the matzo. He simply gives them bad Christmas presents. Lumps of coal. Or rutenbundles. 

It should come as no surprise that Germans have a phrase for this, rotten gifts

These rutenbundles could be anything from a scratchy woolen sweater. Or Cheap Taiwanese-made electronic toys that require some assembly. And don't include batteries. The hard to find HHH alkaline batteries.

I do believe this ogre, this madman, this anthropomorphic creation of all that evil in this world should be familiar to all Americans.

Particularly in 2017, when it appears he has moved into the cockroach/vermin/kleptocrat-infested White House.

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