Thursday, November 9, 2017

Money, Money, Money Part 4

Editor's note: It is with some sadness that I am announcing the retirement of the Thursday reverse scam series. I had a lot of fun with these. And I hope you did too. I also received a few random emails from people claiming my replies to the hilariously composed AsiaDate come on letters were misogynist or racist. I refute that 100% and would dare anyone to find an example. 

I hate to admit this, but there were times when my mood swings corresponded directly with the ups and downs of the Dow Jones Industrial. if the market was up a hundred or two hundred points, I'd be absolutely ebullient. If it was down, I was convinced it would continue its slide and I'd spend my golden years in a not-so-golden dirty nursing home.

"What's for dinner, Maria?" I'd whisper to the nurse's assistant.

"Ketchup packet soup."

Thankfully, that's no longer the case. Not the nursing home bit, I'm always going to be wary of that. But the fluctuations of the stock market no longer have me scouring beneath the sofa cushions for a lost Xanax.

You see, I got out. I didn't make the same mistake that my father did. And I didn't get greedy. When the market hit its record highs -- under the Obama administration -- I started taking money off the table. I had done well with stocks like Apple, Google, Berkshire Hathaway, and I pocketed the profits. After all, as my wife reminded me, I'm 44 years old and have to start thinking about the end game.

Of course that also means I didn't reap the rewards of the latest bull run. As our chief Fuckknuckle is quick to point out the market has added $5 trillion in the last year. Somehow, through Trumpian mathematics, that equates to lowering the national debt. It doesn't. In the same way the market's $8 trillion addition during the previous administration didn't wipe out our collective tab.

You could point out that logic to a fan of Fox and Friends, but they'd simply wave a flag in your face...

"U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!!!"

Ok, end of discussion.

Well now I'm in a different place. My money, what little there is, has been sidelined. My moods have been stabilized. At least as far as finances go. I still get a little foamy at the mouth when I hear our pribbling, beetle-headed hugger-mugger open his mouth and heap praise upon the Confederacy. Or delicately prance around underachieving Tiki Torch bearing Master Race wannabes and call them "very fine people."

And probably to the dismay of my financial planner I'm not in a rush to get back into the market any time soon. Because in these topsy turvy times we live in, I'm actually pulling for the market to take a nosedive.

If it's bad for Precedent Shitgibbon, it's good with me.

Down is up.

Red is green.

And Orwell gets another feather in his cap.

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