Monday, October 30, 2017

Welcome to the Library

Last week, I said the magic phrase to my wife, the words every woman wants to hear...

"Happy 25th Anniversary."

No, wait that wasn't it, even though we did just celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. The words that lit up her face, as I suspect it does for so many wives who crave a magic spark in their life, was more like...

"Let's remodel the bathroom."

I swear it was like bringing home diamonds, dipped in chocolate and buried in fresh cut roses. I had no idea of the power. Nor did I in any way comprehend the Pandora's Bowl I was unleashing.

No sooner had those mystical words left my mouth, did I find myself and my wife leaving the house. Headed to that most dreaded of all destinations -- the tile store.

If you haven't had the pleasure, might I suggest some deep roasted and heavily caffeinated coffee. Then, make sure you pack some additional Red Bulls, for when the tile store designer starts showing you herringbone displays. And then, just for safety, bring along some smelling salts, because you have never been lulled to sleep so effortlessly until you've started picking out the right grout colors.

That, it seems, is only the first Gate of Hell. Or more accurately the floorway. Because we haven't even talked about wainscoting. And why would we? Well, apparently getting the right wainscoting is very important to the overall aesthetic of the room, a room I might add where, if I'm lucky, I get to "launch a daily lifeboat off the SS Assitania."

OK, so tile is important.

Grout color is important.

Wainscoting is important.

And all require multiple discussions, visual comparisons and hours of angst.

Yet all pale to the biggest decision of all, the new paint color.

Hence last weekend's  -- during the World series, no less -- to the paint store.

I've spent the last 25 plus years partnered with art directors who painstakingly, and lovingly, sweat out every last visual detail. That's their job. They're professionals. But they wouldn't last 5 minutes with my wife and the robust conversations about richness of Pantone 185 versus the silky texture of Pantone 193.

Good grief, what, or who, have I unleashed?

It's all fun and games right. Well that is until we find ourselves standing before a magistrate, armed with our divorce lawyers, explaining the irreconcilable differences regarding the selection of the brushed nickel toilet paper holder.

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