Monday, October 23, 2017

5 Better Alternatives to Precedent Shitgibbon

Last week, former president George W. Bush offered a stinging rebuke of the current presidency. I haven't listened to it yet. To be honest I'd rather be watching the Pee-Pee tapes, which are now back in the news.

But these days, littered with lies, arguments with Gold Star families, and just the sheer failure of leadership, you take what you can get.

Nevertheless, it got me thinking -- never a good thing. About who I would prefer to see as our president. That narrows it down to between 7 billion and 8 billion other people on the planet.

But for the purposes of this blog and for the veneer of plausibility, I've culled it down to 5.

Many people don't like Mike Pence. I don't like Mike Pence. His biblical views aren't fit for a tribe of goat herders. I have many gay friends, colleagues and relatives. I suspect you do as well. I may have grown up in a homophobic hamlet in upstate NY, but I like to think my perspective has evolved. And for the life of me, I can't understand why what two people (maybe three) do behind closed doors has any effect on my life. It's not my business. It's not your business. And least of all, it's not the government's business. And yet, despite his farcical, Neanderthal theocratic outlook on life, it is far, far better than the Fucking Moron currently in the White House. And so, I'd be happy to salute President Mike Pence.

Recognize this assnugget? That's Louis Gohmert, a congressman from Texas who is widely regarded as the dumbest man in the House. Louis subscribes to the belief that if there's snow on the ground, there can't be any global warming. He's also had some choice comments regarding rape, guns and religion. If there were such a thing as an IQ contest, as alluded to by the twatwaffle in charge, Louis would easily lose to a stale after-dinner mint. Intelligence and goofy grin notwithstanding, I would still have no problem calling him President Louis Gohmert.

I'm sure you're familiar with this yahoo. That's Alabama's own Judge Roy Moore. He's currently running for senator. On a platform of misogyny, state's rights, unfettered access to guns and of course strict adherence to Judeo-Christian values. Though I'm sure if you cornered him, he'd be happy to omit the Judeo part. "Hell yeah, I want bacon bits on my ice cream float. Pour it on, you damn infidel." You might think, we'd be way too un-simpatico, and for the most part we are, but in addition to knowing religious laws (funny how this is a common strain among all these fuckknuckles) at least he also has a passing acquaintance with the laws in our Constitution. And that alone makes him marginally more preferable and it makes me ok with saying President Roy Moore.

OK, we're reaching the part of the barrel, where the brine water gets a little foamy. Tiny shavings from the wood cask float amongst the bubbles. It's here we find former Vice President Dick Cheney. It's no secret he has got a mean streak wider than the plains of eastern Wyoming. He's cunning. He's evil. And he's a master puppeteer. But, shown a map of the world, he can easily point to North Korea, Iran and Niger. The current taintlicker would have to whip out his Geography for Dummies handbook to do the same. All hail, President Dick Cheney.

Yes, it's that fucking bad. Good morning President Scott Baio.

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