Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Why on earth am I luring you onto my blog with a picture of Charlotte McKinney and a mammoth sized 1300 calorie bacon and cheeseburger from Carl's Jr.?
An excellent question.
But I'm afraid that in this day and age of Kardashians and pussy grabbing and underskilled athletes who play for perpetual losers yet still call themselves Swaggy P, this is the proper to way to bait the hook.
You see, had I posted a picture of Andy Puzder, former CEO of Carl's Jr. and soon to be our new Secretary of Labor, readers would have gone scurrying to the latest cat video or that GIF of the guy falling off a trampoline and then getting skull-humped by a golden retriever.
But I'm glad you're sticking around for this Andy Puzder war story.
The year was 2001. And a great calamity was being visited upon us that year --my partner, John Shirley and I were asked to head up the pitch for Hardee's. For those of you who don't know, Hardees is the redheaded stepchild of Carl's Jr. For reasons I don't understand, they run virtually the same type of restaurant, have the same type of branding, and are virtually indistinguishable from their parent company.
Hardee's are mostly located in the South and the hard to reach areas of Appalachia. Naturally, as part of the agency's How-Can-We-Push-Aging-And-Expensive-Creatives-Out-The-Door Program, it was suggested that we fly (middle seats in Coach) to Alabama or Louisianna or Georgia, one of the Jew-hating states, to get some boots on the ground and sample the food.
Well, there's nothing this New York tribe member enjoys more than an opportunity to visit Klan country. And break bread (that's how stale the buns were) with dinosaur-denying young earthers many of whom would show up at the restaurant without any shoes. Or, as John Shirley referred to them -- foot coverin's.
At least I'd get a free meal out of the deal right?
Andy Puzder might want to call it a meal, but I wouldn't. The food, or I referred to it, mouth stuff, was inedible. Day old bacon. Soggy french fries. And cheese that was way below government grade. All prepared by a staff of minimum wage earners who had all the enthusiasm of a Cleveland Browns season ticket holder.
As for the restaurant, the food place, it was even worse. The second floor Men's Room at the Port Authority, the one located right next to the Short Line Ticket booth, would have been more pleasing. I don't know what bothered me more. The fact that is was filthy or the lazy ass kids behind the counter who seemed unfazed by the whole mess.
Good work Andy, I can certainly see why President Shitgibbon has placed his faith in you and your unprecedented management skills.
And the pitch? Well, that went even worse than our glamorous research field trip. For the first, and it wouldn't be the last, time in my career I witnessed a complete freeze up. One of the big cheeses on our team got stuck. He started presenting work and then he couldn't. Come on man, it's only advertising.
I'll spare you the details.
But, for getting this far in the story that had little or nothing to do with Charlotte McKinney's impressive boobs, the meeting was best summed up by this GIF, which by the way also sums up the entire year 2016.