Wednesday, December 14, 2016
The War on Christmas
You know who thanks God for the US electoral college?
That's right. Because if it weren't for the clear-thinking 46.2% of Americans who voted for Donald Trump, the other 48.7%, the Satan-loving secularists, would have marched on and stepped up their unholy War on Christmas.
If not for the last election, Christmas might have been lost.
Those crazy, critical-thinking heathens would have closed the door shut on the 783, 964,381 churches that dot this great country of ours. They would have pink slipped the 2 billion Santas that literally keep our shopping malls humming. And they would have outlawed the singing of our beloved Christmas carols (mostly written by Jews), those cherished songs that stand between modern civilization and a godless, Christmasless Sodom and Gomorah.
But all that's gonna change.
President Shitgibbon is gonna make Starbucks bring back the decorative Christmas cup.
And he's gonna make Mexico pay for it.
Vice President Mike Pence is going to make sure we pass federal legislation guaranteeing religious liberties. God knows we almost lost those.
In the not too distant future, probably on January 21, 2017, when a gay couple requests a wedding cake from a Christ-loving baker, that deeply religious pastry maker will have the freedom, no, the right, to look upon that gay couple and proudly proclaim, "The principles of my brotherly-loving religion forbid me to partake in your abhorrent union. Please leave the premises."
That my friends, is progress.
Side note -- I have a hard time believing any self respecting gay couple would willingly try and force a reluctant Christian to bake them a wedding cake. Why would give them their hard earned money? Moreover, why would they entrust some uncultured rube with their matrimonial dessert?
All that is moot.
The War on Christmas is over. It's time to get the Mission Accomplished banner out of mothballs and hang it proudly over the stern of the SS Intolerance.
Happy Holidays everybody...
...er, I mean Merry Christmas.