Sir Martin Sorrell receives an online petition from change.org requesting Rich Siegel be made the new Chairman of WPP.
"Helen, what is this? I think my iPad has been hacked."
"Helen, have the IT guys add another block to my account: George Parker, Bob Hoffman and Rich Siegel."
"Helen, alert the press, we have our new Chairman."
These are just some of the possible reactions to my impending candidacy. Of course none of this happens unless the petition reaches the bare minimum of a hundred signatures. At this writing we are 88% of the way there.
If we don't reach our goal, and thanks again to Gregg Bergan for starting the effort (without any prompting from me, BTW), then advertising as we know it will continue on its dreadful course.
You know what I'm talking about: thin margins, data-driven dreck and the proliferation of FFDKK, Frivolous Fuckwadian Digital Knick Knacks™. It can change, but only if you take the requisite 3 minutes to click the link, sign your name, give a fake address and be done with it.
This month we've reached the highest traffic numbers ever in the 8 years I've been writing RoundSeventeen --about 15,000 page views. And in that time I've never asked you for anything.
Except for the occasional call for new taglines.
Or the time I begged you all to buy my book, RoundSeventeen &1/2, The Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Inefficient.
Or the time I figuratively swam across the Straits of Gibraltar to raise $1200 for the Wounded Warriors.
Or a year later when I repeated the swim, only longer, across the English Channel to raise $4000 for our veterans.
OK, I have asked in the past, but most of you have just ignored me and enjoyed this semi-premium daily dose of humor absolutely free.
I've been digging around the very public financial records of WPP and discovered they (we?) command more than $19 billion in revenue. I can't promises, actually as the new Chairman, I can make plenty of promises. And $19 billion butters a lot of bread, wink, wink.
So, the 100 of you that get on the change.org list can look forward to many handsome rewards: an office with a window and a door that closes, weekends off, Saturdays AND Sundays, and a personal invitation to my end of Summer New Orleans-themed BBQ, I make a mean Sazerac.
Those of who didn't sign the petition will find yourself on a different list. One that I have committed to memory.
Did I mention I have the memory of an elephant?