Halloween is coming.
When my kids were younger this was always an opportunity to explore some dark humor via the pumpkin decorations. For many years, we had vomitting pumpkins adorn our porch. Followed by drowning pumpkins and enema pumpkins (don't ask).
This year both girls are at college and I'm swamped with work.
Plus, if I don't continue to harass readers and Facebook followers with ads for my new book, who will?
So the pumpkins will be quite simple this year. We're also changing up our confectionary distribution.
Last year, my wife visited Costco and brought home the small central American sized bags of Milky Ways, Snickers and Almond Joys. Unfortunately, perhaps due to global warming or the political upheaval in the Middle East, little children did not come by the house to relieve us of all these tempting chocolate treats.
We had leftovers. Last Thursday, I found the last of the Snickers bars in the freezer, tucked behind some ground buffalo meat that had long since passed its expiration date.
This year it's going to be different. We'll hand out candy, but I have pleaded with my wife NOT to buy the good candy. This way, if there are any left over, we can toss it right in the trash or leave it on the doorstep of one those illegally zoned preschools that have been cruelly plunked right in the middle of a residential neighborhood.
Here is the acceptable list of Halloween candy for 2015:
1. Lollipops -- Never liked them. Never will. Always associated lollipops with Tetanus shots or root canal. If they're good enough for doctors and dentists to dispense, they're good enough for the Siegels.
2. Necco Wafers -- Frankly, I never understood why these multi-colored discs qualify as candy. Or even food. Who walks into a candy store and says, "Oooo, I can't wait to get me some Necco Wafers?" They're like tiny dishes for gerbils. Or something you'd find in a hardware store.
3. Candy Corn -- Found at the bottom of the pillowcase after a long night of candy collection, these loose nuggets of colored sugar were often covered with lint or dirt and never made it past my mother's post Halloween candy inspection.
4. Old Lady Sucking Candy -- Needs no explanation.
5. Kit Kat, Twix or Heath Bars -- Technically, these are chocolate and might seem tempting if found in the pantry after November 1st. But I never developed a palette for these hybrid candy/breakfast bars. The sound and the texture is all wrong. And so are the people who enjoy these wannabe's. Show me a kid who chooses a Heath Bar over a Snickers and I'll show you a candidate for the DeVry Institute.
This is what we're handing out this year.
I hope we get a great turnout and run out of candy by 9PM. I know some scraggly ass teenagers, who haven't bothered to put on a costume, will swing by. That's when I like to stop with the treats and start with the tricks.
I can only imagine their faces when they get home, and amongst their sugary booty, they find a random sorting of metal washers, molly bolts and 3/4 inch lug nuts.