Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The Porcine Option

If you've been on Facebook or Twitter lately you might have noticed I've been on a little tear about Bacon Bits.

I make this assumption knowing that the 23 people who regularly read R17 are also friends on social media.

If you haven't caught any of my Bacon Bit bits, I'll gladly back the truck up a little.

I like to think of myself as a problem solver. I get paid to come up with ideas for companies with marketing or advertising challenges. But my thinking doesn't stop where the foam core board ends. There's no reason why I can't apply some of this 44 year old creativity to other, more pressing problems.

And none could be more urgent than the ClusterFuck that is the Middle East.

As I write this, parents of Kenyan college students are mourning and burying 148 children slain by un-Islamic Al Shabaab terrorists.

In Yemen, Un-Islamic Shiite rebels are at war with a brutal Un-Islamic Sunni regime.

And in Syria and Iraq, Un-Islamic Sharia-loving, Caliphate-builders are in a battle of the ages with other Un-Islamic Sharia lovers who want to build a slightly different Caliphate with a slightly uglier flag.

It is so mindbogglingly stupid there can be no political or military solution.

But there may be a culinary one.

You see, these brave extremist warriors who so courageously attack shopping malls, college campuses and preschools, desperately seek martyrdom. And the 72 virgins. It is, I believe the only way these incredibly ugly men will ever get laid.

Death, they will tell you, is an honor. And honor, or their twisted notion of honor, is a value above all others in that part of the world.

And this where Bacon Bits come in. If we can't strike fear into their hearts with bombs, let's rain down dishonor upon them with the power of pork.

Think about it. During World War II, our home forces including Rosie the Riveter, mobilized en mass to build planes, tanks and whatever was necessary to defeat the Nazi war machine. Today, in 2015, we could put our farmers and Monsanto Food engineers on DefCon 5 and call for the massive production of Bacon Bits.

We could load these tiny nuggets of infidel-goodness onto belly-dragging C-130's.

Then, with much fanfare, we could carpet bomb 1000 square miles of desert. You pick a country, Iraq, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, they all have vast stretches of unused sandy wasteland, mostly because they haven't reached out to the Israelis who could show them a thing or two about 21st century agriculture.

When it's all said and done, that patch of desert would look like a platter of potato skins during Applebee's Endless Appetizer Hour.

There would be much fury throughout the Fertile Crescent.

But no one would get hurt.
No one would die.
And the message would be loud and clear.
And oh so tasty.

"Cut this radical Sunni and Shia shit out. Get your act together. And stop fucking the planet up for the rest of us or we will do to your sorry ass country what we did to this small patch of desert. We will go all-porcine on you and pull out the pulled pork weapons of mass humiliation."

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