Thursday, October 9, 2014

Thank heaven for little girls

I read this article the other day or somebody sent it to me. To be frank, my memory as well as my resistance to a second beer with dinner, is long gone.

The article, in case you didn't bother to read it, claims that families with two daughters are the ideal family. Ideal, mind you, meaning better than any and all other possible combinations.

I must have hit the Fatherhood Jackpot because I have two daughters. Irish twins, actually born a mere 17 months apart.

The girls in the picture above are not mine ( and I've been warned by my wife not to post photos of my girls, particularly in light of my incendiary remarks regarding: religious people, advertising, politics, Taco Bell, douchebags, social media, CEO's, people with tattoos, or anyone who drives a car in a manner that would piss me off.

In other words, everybody on the planet.

According to the research, two daughters make for the most harmonious family. If only the author or the researchers had spent some time in my house. And watched the cat fights that erupted over time spent in the bathroom.

Or the heated discussions that have arisen about dirty dishes.

"I did the dishes."


"Last week."

Or the arguments that ensued over who cleaned up after the dog in the backyard.

"I already picked up the poop."

"You picked up all the small poops and left the big ones for me."

Hard to believe that one time I almost threw away all this harmony. You see, a few years after the girls were born, I felt myself yearning for a son. What father doesn't? And so with some disposable income in hand, my wife and I enlisted the aid of a fertility specialist who held out the promise of an XY embryo.

This was not at all unusual as we had to employ fertility methods for our first child. The second came naturally, because as one doctor noted, "the best cure for infertility is a pregnancy."

Using a specially-designed centrifuge, sperm containing the right genetic material for a male would be separated out and injected into fertile eggs. In this manner there were no discarded embryos or anything remotely unethical. We made several exorbitantly expensive attempts. And sadly, all were unsuccessful.

Which I suppose is a blessing. Otherwise our family would have consisted of two girls and one boy. And would have dropped us all the way down to #7 on the list.

Of course, it wasn't a total loss.
At the sperm collection center, I got to experience many of the excellent movies produced in nearby Chatsworth, including:

Balling for Dollars
In and Out of Africa
Cram Session 8
Pulp Friction
When Harry Ate Sally


In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon


suZen said...

That study seems like some high-grade bullshit. Two girls is highest. Three girls also ranks high. But suddenly the scales are tipped when a fourth girl is added and it ends up being the worst combination ever.

Cecil B. DeMille said...

This is highfalutin stuff. I only want one child. And I will rule over him/her with an iron fist. This child will grow up with an inside voice and respect for his/her elders. He/she will be a focused, disciplined...

Who the fuck am I kidding. I'll probably father some twisted mixture of Calvin, Dennis the Menace and all of the airheads from Mean Girls.