Thursday, June 26, 2014

Fixodent and forget it. Not.

As some of you might know I've been experiencing some dental trauma over the course of the last two months.

Back in April, the bridge that had been in my mouth for close to thirty years, fell apart. The plan was to replace it with state of the art dental implants that would have cost almost as much as a year's worth of college tuition. But, as it turns out, a 3D X-Ray of my entire skull made that prospect impossible.

Seems I have a rather large vein that runs the length of my upper jaw. That vein obstructs the bony marrow for the implant base. It would be like posting caissons in quicksand.

Consequently, I'm back to Plan B, which is replacing the old bridge with a new one. Until that new bridge is built, in a laboratory somewhere in the South Bay, I have been wearing a temporary.

I use the word 'wearing' purposefully. In order to denote its flimsy day-to-day nature.

You see while the temporary bridge felt sturdy and up to the task, last week while swimming, the bridge snapped in two. I had no choice but to hightail it over to the nearest Pharmacy to purchase a tube of Fixodent.

Nothing will age a 44-year old man faster than stepping up to the cashier at a CVS with a tube of Fixodent. Good thing I don't suffer from incontinence and require a box of Depends.

Lately I've been eating only very soft foods. Last week, we were at The Counter and I'm here to tell you the bacon cheeseburger doesn't taste half as good when it's pureed and sipped through a straw.

The Fixodent hasn't helped much. The two-piece broken bridge has been falling out repeatedly and rolling around in my mouth like a pair of sticky Las Vegas dice from a dirty craps table.

I'm sure you feel as I do that the new permanent bridge cannot go in fast enough.

That way we can stop talking about my teeth.
And get back to the biting essays on advertising.

Did you see what I did there?

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