Thursday, September 19, 2013

Jewish like me.

Last week I was in synagogue and had a revelation.

Did you see what I did there?

Revelations are usually associated with the New Testament. And yet I used it referencing a house of worship synonymous with the Old Testament.

The funny thing is, I find myself in church more these days, than I do in temple. That's because I have two daughters in Catholic High School. (Don't ask).

It's not unusual to find Jews at the church these days. In fact, as I like to joke with my friends, the Big Jew is all over the place. There's a crucifix in every nook and cranny and parapet that can support one.

What you won't find, and I find this surprising, are many non-Jews at a temple. To the best of my knowledge, the Last Supper (pictured above) was a Passover Seder. And yet, you don't find many gentiles celebrating Passover, as Jesus and his disciples did. The taste of matzo may have something to do with that.

Still, people who claim to revere the Old Testament aren't showing it much love.

During the Yom Kipper sermon last week, the rabbi pointed out the origin of the holiday as stated in Leviticus.

"How be it on the tenth day of the seventh month is the day of atonement; there shall be a holy convocation unto you, and you shall afflict your souls." 

This was in Leviticus!

As far as I can tell Leviticus is the favorite book of bible-thumpers throughout the land. This is the book they know chapter and verse. After all, they are always quoting Leviticus anytime the issue of gay marriage comes up.

"It says so in the bible, homosexuality is an abomination. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." 

By the way, that references Leviticus and Genesis, both books of the Old Testament. Which just further adds to my confusion.

If all these narrow-minded Southern Baptists, snake-handling Pentecostals and morality-challenged born-again Christians are so fond of the Old Testament, why aren't they sitting next to me in Temple, abstaining from food, on Yom Kippur?

Moreover, why are they getting tattoos?

Why are they gorging themselves on buttery biscuits and the wood-grilled Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster? Both -- the tattoos and the shellfish-- are forbidden according to Leviticus.

Why aren't they cutting off the tips of their infant son's penis as commanded in the Old Book and offering it up to seal the covenant with God?

OK, maybe the last one wasn't the best selling point.

Anyway, Sukkot is coming up. Which one of you goyim wants to join me for some horseradish and chopped liver in my tee-pee made of palm fronds?

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