Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Lop it off


The man in green is a convicted thief. He is about to have his finger amputated by several members of the Iranian Judicial System using the patented Digitron 9000™.

OK, that's not really the name of the machine, but the rest of the story is true and you can read about it and see more pictures here.

By the way, that seems like a lot of modern machinery to simply snip off a finger. I'm sure some clever mechanical designers could reduce the number of moving parts and get it down to the small cutting apparatus on the left (red handle).

But this is not the point of today's blog.

As a faithful reader in Orange County pointed out several months ago, I do plenty of stories regarding some of the Neanderthal practices from the Middle East. And, he suggests, "never enough coverage about some of the crazy Jewish shit that goes on. "

Say hello to Metzizah Bepeh.

As I mentioned in one of last week's blogs, I'm very squeamish, so this is a delicate matter. But Jewish boys are, by tradition, circumcised eight days after birth. I was lucky enough to father two daughters and spared the obligation to make that phone call.

"Yeah hi, I was wondering if you could come to my house next week and shear off a piece of my son's penis?"

Among the Reform Jews, this ceremony is nothing more than an excuse to have friends over, drink mojitos, eat spring rolls and marvel at the newborn. Complemented by a little cavemen barbarism, some bloody towels and many, many jokes about "missing the tipoff" and "cocktail wienies."

For the Orthodox, the ritual is much more somber.

And for the Ultra-Orthodox, the cutting or removal of the foreskin is followed by Metzizah Bepeh, whereby the Chief Rabbi will literally place his mouth over the baby's penis and suck out the blood to prevent infection.



Any editorialization here would be redundant, suffice to say, eeeeeewwwwwwww!

I find this Abrahamic obsession with cutting off bits of the human body quite repulsive.

But maybe this common ground is something Muslims and Jews could work on. Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, they could get together with some folks from Apple and come up with a device that would cut off fingers as well as the unwanted part of the newborn's penis.

It could be just the thing that brings peace to the Middle East.
And rejuvenate Apple's sagging stock price.

I've already come up with the perfect name.
Introducing the revolutionary new iSnip.

3 comments:

George Tannenbaum said...

Advice: Never eat the calamari at a Bris.

Anonymous said...

"Spitballing" in addition to the shaft?
Oy gevalt!
Glad we went Reform.

dave trott said...

Try this, it shows what happens with a little creativity: http://www.ted.com/talks/eli_beer_the_fastest_ambulance_a_motorcycle.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TEDTalks_video+%28TEDTalks+Main+%28SD%29+-+Site%29