Thursday, August 1, 2013

All will be revealed


Every month or so, Ad Age magazine will send its intrepid reporters to track down the luminaries of the ad world. The Rock Stars. The ones who give us those annoying 5 second clips before the Youtube videos we really want to see.

And these Gods of the Ad World are interviewed in a continuing series entitled: Six Things You Didn't Know About (insert gushworthy Creative Director name here).

As you might have guessed, I abhor this faux-celebrity treatment. Not because no one ever favored me with that type of adulation...uh, strike that. In all honesty, that's probably the only reason why I've taken to such mockery.

Seeing as my career has been reduced to the occasional Anthem/Manifesto spot or the cheaply produced throwaway banner ads, it's a safe bet that Ad Age is not knocking down my door for the next installment.

But, I thought, "why should that stop you, the loyal 200-300 readers who visit this blog everyday, from suffering the insufferable?"

So without further ado:

1. I'm incredibly squeamish. I'm not a fan of needles. Don't like the sight of blood. And tend to shy away from movies with excessive violence. This makes me hesitant to see the work of Quinton Tarantino, though I do enjoy his deconstructive efforts. I've seen Inglorious Bastards three times and despite its natural appeal, have never watched the scene of the Jewish Bear take a baseball bat to the head of the Nazi soldier.

2. I'm a manscaper. Because I swim regularly and because I know women have an aversion to unsightly hair, other than in the chest and leg area, I force my wife to grab the Norelco and 'mow the backyard' as it were. This is illogical on many counts. Namely, that I'm married. Moreover, the only women by the pool are altacacas who are too busy doing their aqua-cises.

3. I'm a closet sentimentalist. Yesterday my oldest daughter came in my office and spotted my high school yearbook on the bookshelf. I keep it handy to identify names and faces of people I have long since forgotten. As she was leafing through the ancient headshots of people, it struck how many classmates had actually passed away. Way too soon. Young people, struck down in their 20's, 30's and 40's. I had to put the book back on the shelf as I was on the verge of tears.

4. I'm a very good stalker. Years ago, I had some problems with a neighbor that lived in the house behind me. We had an anonymous confrontation regarding his use of a circular saw at 2 in the morning. It threatened to escalate. So I poked and prodded and found out everything I could about this 48-year old unemployed bi-polar loser who lives with his mother and has had drug issues as well as previous run-ins with the police. Know thy enemy, I say.

5. I hate broccoli, cauliflower and lima beans. Instant gag reflex.

6. I'm disappointed with people. Mind you, I understand that I suffer from unwarranted self-rightousness and that my standards are high and somewhat unreasonable. But my disappointment is not easing with the passing of time. It is getting worse. From parents who let their children play in the lap lanes at the pool to multi-tasking freeway drivers who believe they can navigate the 405 and the QRTY keyboard on their smartphone at the same time. And that's just the small stuff. I'm disappointed with the 1000 or so "friends" I have on Facebook and linked in.com who have still not hooked me up with a large media company that would distribute roundseventeen on a wider basis.

In other words I'm disappointed with you.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Broccoli? The final straw!

Still on the fence about your unceasing assumption of Yiddishkeit comprehension throughout your cross-cultural readership. Perhaps the addition of some Goyishe "moreover"s, "whereas"s and "hitherto"s would broaden Round Seventeen's reach and encourage your New England hoi polloi fan base to spread the work of their funny – he's so like Woody Allen! – bloggering friend in between martinis and writing checks to Koch brother causes.

Jeff said...

You're disappointed in me? I'm Jewish and married. Take a number.

Berk said...

A coffee induced theory regarding swim lane kids:
Back in the early days of ".com" the developing internet had melted the social permafrost that held down the subterranean, Methane breathing, closeted child molester from whom all with impressionable, young, innocent children were terrified. When child exploitation went so far as to become the premise for collections of on-line communities created and shared by the lowest of the low, there was genuine cause for circling the wagons. The media, including televising the catching of on-line child predators, had brought the problem center stage and kept it there as tactically as would be expected of them. All of this would inevitably bring child welfare and day-to-day child safety to a level of intensity commensurate with the varied levels of the induced fear.

This is not news, of course. However, I believe the type of parenting that has evolved as a consequence, has produced a generation of children whom have essentially been well trained to focus only on themselves and to remain almost completely, though unconsciously dependent upon others for what would be seen by their predecessors or elders (you) as completely necessary but uncomfortable or undesirable efforts; the “Millennials”. Presently, these children are now grown and having children of their own. These are the parents of the children you are running into in your swim lane. To these parents, their children's welfare, when in the pool, systematically becomes your problem and any thought of change to this would not occur to them even if you were to bring it to their attention personally.

Decidedly, the swim lane kids are here to stay. Rage if you must but I believe it akin to an attempt to hold back the tide. By the way, these kids are not disappointed in you. They would have to be aware of you first.

glasgowdick said...

Thank you Anonymous New Englander, I will hereto take that under consideration. But first I must run to the supermarket and purchase this thing you call mayonnaise.

Jared Mazzaschi said...

Those 5 questions for "Exec A" are a pet-peeve of mine as well. This isn't all-star Pet Paramedics on the Learning Channel! The dude - and it always seems to be a dude - is just some schlub that stumbled uphill and tongue-swabbed the right Crain Communications intern to end up desperately trying to sound interesting in an email interview, talking about the Tiki obsession he used to indulge and the ability to find inspiration in all things, even his commute. Fun post!