Thursday, December 1, 2011

Happy Happy Joy Oy

Good Morning.

I hope today finds you well and happy and healthy.

If you've been following the blog this week you know that this is the fourth installment in my Offend an Ethnicity Week. Having made potentially insensitive remarks about Blacks, Muslims (and women) and Jews, today I was going to turn my attention to...well if I'm being completely and brutally honest (and when am I not?) I haven't identified an ethnic group to rail against.

I could have gone with Poles, Iranians, or even North Koreans who recently threatened to obliterate South Korea in a 'Sea of Fire.' But I feel those are all easy default positions that I have covered in the past.

And a writer needs to progress, to sail in uncharted waters, to expand the horizons. So today I'd like to direct my disdain not at any ethnicity but towards the Hellishly Happy.

You know these Perpetually Peppy Pollyanna's, you probably have a few among your Facebook Friends. Here's what one of their typical status updates looks like:

Blueberry pancakes, fresh brewed Verona coffee, my favorite cashmere sweater, and Duran Duran Greatest hits playing on Pandora. Life is AWESOME!

Defriending now, that's awesome.

Where do these people come from? Do they not drive the same freeways you and I trudge over the same day? Do they not suffer the same inequities from rude, apathetic, lazy customer service reps that seem more interested in taking their breaks than making a sale? Do they possess some secret superpower that allows them to ignore the neighbor's incessantly barking dog? Do they have an internal OFF switch that makes them impervious to something like this...

By the way, just a little tangent, do we really need the reverse beep?

If you're a blind person and you make it a habit of walking behind flatbed trucks at night and you can't hear the distinctive hum of a 800 horsepower diesel engine, I don't think it's necessary for society to provide you with ear piercing warning signals. I think it's time we allow nature to take its course and thin the herd.

Maybe you're one of these chronically cheery people. Maybe for you the glass isn't half full. Or half empty. The glass is awesome. And the water in the glass is even more awesomer. Maybe your life is nothing but cupcakes and kittens.

Well real life isn't like that. And with any luck, or some divine providence, those cupcakes will make you morbidly fat and those kittens will grow up and breed like bunny rabbits, until one day you find yourself in a Forever Lazy Snuggie Bag Thing and starring in next week's episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive.

If this post has somehow dampened your exceedingly high holiday spirits, well, you're welcome.

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