Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Droll Tide

Dear Governor Bentley,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you today. As a leader of Congregation Temple Isaiah in Culver City, California I feel it is my obligation to express grave disappointment over your recent remarks at the gubernatorial inauguration. In which you stated:

“so anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I’m telling you, you’re not brother and you’re not my sister.”

I’m sorry Governor, in addition to not being your brother or your sister, we will sadly not be your visiting guests as well. You see, our Chavurah group – the Wandering Jews (Christ-deniers, in your parlance)– had scheduled a month-long visit to the Heart of Dixie at the beginning of summer break.

We have since canceled this excursion, that would no doubt have brought vital tourist dollars from our exceedingly affluent members.

Sadly, we will not be going to Bessemer, Alabama to see Adolf Hitler’s authentic Groma typewriter. The same typewriter that so proudly got the trains running on time.

Nor will we be stopping in Daphne, Alabama to see the magnificent 12-foot tall football quarterback statue constructed from drainage pipes, discarded pickle buckets and tall-boy cans of Bud Light.

You’ll have to tell the manager of the Northport McDonalds that we will also not be stopping at his establishment for nourishment and the prized opportunity to see the bust of former President Reagan (a staunch supporter of Israel) who once ate a Big Mac right there in the Northwood Shopping Center.

And of course, what trip to Alabama would be complete without a stop in Birmingham to see the Racist Hell Hounds Sculpture. This would have made a powerful impact on the children and taught them a vital lesson in animal husbandry, as well as tolerance. An attribute you seem to be so sorely lacking.

We were looking forward to a deep, culturally-enriching experience, as would anybody visiting the Yellowhammer State. Perhaps Hashem will still deliver on that promise. As we make our way east on Interstate 20 and stop just short of the Sumter Welcome Center and explore the great state of Mississippi.

In fact Mississippi Governor Barbour has already invited the congregation to Oxford, MS and promised a 10% discount on admission to see the World’s Largest Cedar Bucket. And you know how we Jews feel about getting discounts.

Best regards,

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