Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My Urologist, I think I'll keep him.

I love my Beverly Hills Urologist.

Every time I stop in for a visit he hands me sample packets of the Blue V – that’s what he calls Viagra. Or Levitra. Or Cialis.

Though highly unnecessary, they put the recreation in recreational drugs.

While I’m there, he often regales me with sordid stories of his A-list clients. “You should have seen the descending testicle on So-and-So.” Or, “You think your prostate is enlarged, you should have felt the cantaloupe inside What’s-his-Face.”

Of course he never names names.

But an entire wall of his office is adorned with signed and framed 8X10 celebrity glossies, the kind you’d see at Canter’s Deli. So as I’m hunched over waiting for the inevitable, I try to match the southern hemisphere to the northern hemisphere.

I’m sure the casual dispensation of prescription pharmaceuticals and the less-than-discreet storytelling don’t paint the picture of the perfect health-care physician. But I’m sticking with my guy.

Because while he may have the ethical maturity of a 14-year old boy, he stands 5 foot 2 and weighs 130 pounds, which means he's also been blessed with the hands of a 14-year old boy.


Claudia said...

Um. Ick. Glad I don't have a kiss and tell gynecologist.

Fleming said...

He's the man, the man with the Midas touch
A spider's touch
Such a cold finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don't go in

glasgowdick said...

I often call him "Goldfinger."

Unlike the first Urologist I ever made the mistake of visiting. 6'5", 300 lbs, hands the size of Fiat. In college, he played Defensive Tackle for Princeton.

Who ever heard of a Jew like that?

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Mark said...

Can you send me the contact info on your first urologist, the tight end from Princeton. For a friend.

Mark said...

I was just reminded of a funny moment I had with my doctor recently that was like the scene in "My Cousin Vinny" when Joe Pesci first meets the guys in their jail cell. I have high cholesterol and I wanted to discuss going on Lipitor but I got my drugs confused and kept saying Levitra.

glasgowdick said...


Per your request, here's the bio on my first urologist. Turns out I was guilty of a little embellishment. he didn't play football for Princeton, he played college basketball at SUNY Binghampton, the powerhouse of Southern Central New york State.

Nevertheless the man was huge and he had fingers like Bratwurst.


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