Friday, May 29, 2009

Dead dead dead.

Recently, a friend suggested that instead of tenting my house and fumigating with proven termite-killing chemicals I should look into “alternative pest removal options.”

Apparently some company in Simi Valley has formulated a safe, clean method of termite eradication using a unique blend of orange-scented, cinnamon-based organic compounds. They even describe it as "gentle as a butterfly."

Why don’t I just sprinkle my house with fairy dust?

For me it falls in the same category as homeopathic medicine.

If I get a brain tumor, I don’t want my doctor telling me to drink pomegranate juice, listen to sitar music and suck on the root of a rhododendron.

No, give me the hard stuff.

Call me old fashioned or just a stooge of the pharmaceutical companies, but when it comes to killing viruses or bacteria, I want my lethal chemicals in a physician-prescribed, impossible-to-open orange vial that they keep behind the bullet-proof glass.

I have the same compassion-less philosophy towards wood-eaters. There are basically two kind of termites. There are the ones boring tunnels through the rafters and floorboards in my house. And there are dead termites. I'm more interested in the latter.

Gentle as a butterfly, my ass.


Mark said...

Damn. There are time when I think you're making progress and then you fall back into you old, hateful, termite destroying ways. I have had a lot of luck just talking to my termites. Like all of us they just need a little bit of love and understanding. Hug them, don't fumigate them. That's what I did and then I told them all to go to your house.

Laura Sweet said...

I wanted to write something witty. Perhaps even pithy. But after Marks' wonderful comment above, I'm shamed into shutting up and just complimenting both your hilarious post and his equally hilarious response.

Ellen November said...

Rich I think you could have a second career as a proponent/spokesperson for the chemical industry. In a previous post, you recommended drugs to manage family get-togethers. From your recco, I got an Rx for Clonazepam, which really did the trick. You really know your chemicals, keep up the good work.

Brother Whig said...

Every time I eat almonds, which are addictive, I relate to termites and their immense pleasure in chewing on wood. I also relate to people with an eating disorder called Pica, in which adults crave non-nutritive substances, such as paper. I knew a guy who had this problem, and once saw him scarf down several pieces of paper in a dark lecture hall.