Sunday, March 29, 2009

Franklin's folly

I am now the proud father of a Bat Mitzvah (more on this later, when I have some perspective on the matter.) For now, I am soaking in the quietness of my house. All the relatives have left town.

This is a blissful moment I like to call post-cordialus.

When I speak of relatives, I am not referring to my family, who have all died at a young age, presumably from being excessively sour.

I mean my wife’s family. And there are lots of them. All with roots in Minneapolis. Which, as my uncle remarked, makes them different from New York Jews. They’re nice.

But they do come at you in swarms. In the past, this has regrettably put me on edge. And sparked my less-than-gracious short fuse. But this time was different.

A wise friend, who left the high-pressure world of advertising for the serenity of the Pacific Northwest, turned me on to the miraculous calming wonders of alprazolam.

I’m here to tell you, without any sponsorship money from Pfizer, this stuff works. Particularly when washed down with some fine Kentucky bourbon.

Ben Franklin once said that fish and relatives have a similar shelf life. They both go bad after three days. Thanks to the instant Zen-ness of Xanax, I think we can amend that to four days.

4 comments:

Ellen November said...

Mazel tov and thanks for the tip on alprazolam.
I had a reverse experience. I attended a Bar Mitzvah in Minneapolis. I have never seen so many cakes at an Oneg Shabbat. Yeah, they were pretty nice.
I'm eight weeks away from my daughter's wedding where my kinfolk will be swarming onto LA. My heart is already beating too fast and perhaps with yoga, meditation, regular shrink appts. and my new knowledge of alprazolam, it will be as pleasant as your affair.

glasgowdick said...

Good luck Ellen.
Remember, better living through chemistry.

Mark said...

Your friend sounds like one hell of a guy. Today's new word, Propranylol.

Anonymous said...

Hi Rich, you and your blog are damn funny.....Congrats on your daughter's Bar Mitz.

Erin King